Posts Tagged ‘astrology’

HOW TO LIVE: Let’s Pretend We’re Tauruses!

Taurus time actually started on 4/20, but it’s okay: a Taurus is too kind, sensible and down to earth in general to give anyone a hard time about it. They have their own sense of timing when it comes to things: steady and consistent, they can be remarkably patient people. Theirs is kind of the perfect energy to bring into early spring after the hustle and bustle of Aries, when you’re like ‘OH SHIT THE SPRING IS COMING LET’S GET BUSY!!!!!’ Taurus is much more about slowing down and savoring the moment (and your meal), plotting your course. Not in a mastermind of the universe way, more like how a gardener things about I’m really into the idea of trying on the energy of different signs as the year goes, which I mentioned in the spring equinox article. Who wouldn’t want to try to be a Taurus, at least for a month? They are some of the most reliably likeable people in the zodiac! You get to temporarily join this pantheon of Taurus hotness:


Onboard? Voila, Taurean ways to enjoy life, creating everlasting love, achieve rampant success and generally be phenomenally wonderful people:

BE DISCERNING MATERIALISTS
One thing that astropeople love to go on and on about when it comes to Tauruses is how they loooovvvvve stuff. It’s a little more nuanced than that, though — Tauruses apparently love material things, but this does not mean they’re mindless, gluttonous consumers. No matter what they’re into, they’re extremely thoughtful about aesthetics and respond strongly to beauty in general, and they’re passionate about ‘finer things in life.’ You know those blogs that are basically lovingly beautful photographs of objects and food? I bet Tauruses invented them.

Taurus time is a good time to revamp your look or just buy some new clothes for spring, of course. But do it thoughtfully, with care. Disdain the Fashion Industrial Complex and check in with what really inspires you when it comes to beauty. We so rarely really think about what is beautiful to us and why; I can’t help but think that ruminating on the question would be valuable, especially when we’re always bombarded with images that are always trying to convince us that sickness and sexism are gorgeous when they’re clearly NOT.

BE MODEST AND HOT
Tauruses have this way of being totally foxy but kind of chill about it. It’s super-appealing. They often have a natural elegance, which means they rarely have to slut it up to catch anyone’s eye. They’re sort of good at an almost old-fashioned mystery — not a Scorpiolike dark mystery (‘COME TO MY LAIR AND I WILL RAVISH YOU’), but the kind that requires backlighting, soft music and thoughtful conversation. Naturally attractive, they’d never buy lipstick named Manhunt. Which is what I just did, much to my wannabe-Taurus shame. (Possible lipstick names for Tauruses, though: Suggestive Raised Eyebrow, Classy with a C Thank You Very Much.) So obviously I’m not one to advise on hot modesty here, but maybe it’s really just about laying off the warpaint and crazy shoes and working a kind of self-contained, girl-next-door-up-to-interesting-things-so-that’s-why-she’s-never-home thing.

BEAUTIFULLY CHOOSE PEOPLE
Anecdotal evidence from the school of life: nearly every Taurus I know has a penchant of long-lasting relationships. I think Tauruses were the first of my friends to get and stay married. It’s really crazy. It’s one of those things that I used to attribute to luck or, I don’t know, the stars aligning just right. But I actually think that the secret goes back to the same passion and discernment that Tauruses bring to material beauty. Being earthy, often centered people, they know what they like and don’t waver and don’t waste time and energy trying to make something work when it never will. (Tauruses are also highly practical.) It must consequently make the objects of their affection feel beautifully chosen. Isn’t that a nice way to make people feel? It must go a long way! So make a list of what you love in people, pick someone that has those things, and make them feel beautifully chosen. Voila — enjoy your resulting enduring love.

LOVE FOOD
Another enduring Taurus trait: they love food. They love cooking, eating out, drinking wine, collecting recipes, going grocery shopping, making meals, taking pictures of their meals, posting them to their beautifully photographed blogs, and then finding some more meals to cook, photograph and eat. But they’re often not hardcore restaurant foodies — they’re often really unpretentious about food, preferring homespun heartiness to sophisticated gastronomy. With Taurus time now in effect, it’s kind of the perfect time to throw a dinner party, try a few recipes, or just eat a great meal with care to savor each moment. (Go ahead, take a picture of it, if you must.)

BE STUBBORN
This is often regarded as a fault by many astrologers, but I actually think this is why Tauruses can be ridiculously successful. Its often a surprise that people so elegant, genuine and charming could be so goddamn stubborn, but there you go. Sometimes their refusal to budge can be laziness, or rather a deep, conservative (in the old-fashioned sense) attachment to The Way Things Are; Tauruses can get set in their ways. But sticking to your guns is a rare quality these days; it’s worth checking in with yourself now and remember what’s worth fighting and holding out for, whether it’s a long cherished goal, a wonderful experience to plan and save for, or true love. DON’T GIVE UP! A TAURUS NEVER WOULD!!

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Posted in HOW TO LIVE by Kat on Monday, April 25th, 2011 | 10 Comments »

HOW TO LIVE: Happy Spring Equinox! Welcome to the Real New Year, Fellow Pagans!

Whaaa? you may be asking yourself. New Year’s was months ago, you wacky girl! Au contraire, my friends: that’s thinking for slaves to the Gregorian calendar, descendent of the Julian calendar, that invention of those oppressive Romans! Pagans, astrology types and the ultra-connected-to-the-heartbeat-of-the-universe know that today is the start of the astrological new year, as well as the approximate vernal equinox. The Sun moves into Aries, springtime is unfurling and it’s time to get this party started, as many a 90s hip-hop song exhorts. Doesn’t it make more sense for us Northern Hemispheric types to start a new year today? HELL YES. Here’s a list of ways to celebrate and harness this lovely time of the year, ranging from super-earnest touchy-feeliness to, you know, drunken fun.

LET’S START WITH DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY AND FUN!
Too bad it’s going to be Monday tomorrow, but I hope you spent your nights this weekend frolicking under the “supermoon.” But a mere Monday has never stopped true stars-and-heavens-above connected pagans from indulging in revelry. You hereby have permission to extend the opening of the astro new year into a fortnight of pleasure. (As a universal power, my reach and authoritas is highly limited — to myself, basically — but whatever!) Drink mead in a forest, imbibe champagne with a table of lovelies, dump glitter in your bathtub and roll around like a gleefully nutso disco fairy…whatever it takes to get some effervescence happening in your life.

EMBARK ON A NEW CRUSH
Spring = renewed libidos. Take advantage of it! There is a school of thought that says that crushes have to happen organically. I am not of this school, believing that being in a state of crush is a vital expression of the youthful, joyous spirit. I think you can just be like, “I’m bored! I wanna have a crush! I’m gonna have a crush on you!” I think it’s perfectly lovely to be in a state of being perpetually charmed and excited about something or someone, however unreachable or unthinkable. Successful crushes are about journeys, not destinations, unencumbered by the weight of expectations and hopes! Think of it like Zen meditation in a really weird way. Pick something or someone, be excited when you see or hear about it/her/him/them, get all giddy when the universe gives you “signs” about your synchronicity, and just riot in the garden of infatuation for pure fun’s sake. Possible objects for crush: musicians (duh), co-workers, sales people, baristas, bartenders, your significant others. (It’s fun to have a crush again on your significant other.) One caveat: no exes! (Although if you really wanna go there, who am I to stop you?)

REAL NEW YEAR, REAL RESOLUTIONS
I always felt it was royally stupid to make resolutions in the middle of winter, with about 2-3 months left of soul-dampening weather. Who wants to exercise more, confront financial situations and generally be superhumanly productive when all you want to do is sleep and hibernate? Nonsensical, I tell you. Plus, the tenor of most New Year’s resolutions are so ego-based, or based on conforming to some outside ideal of success — which as we all know is a good but stupid way to buy into general bullshit and sometimes slightly kill your soul. It makes so much more spiritual sense to make intentions in the spring. So why not take this opportunity to look at your faux New Year’s resolutions, see how that’s panning out for you, and either recalibrate or dump them in favor of what your soul really needs?

ADVENTURE IN LARGE AND SMALL WAYS
The start of the astro year means the start of Aries! Let’s try a lifestyle experiment (or, if you’re not “lifestyle-inclined,” think of it like performance art): Use the beginning of each sun’s transit through a sign as a chance to try on that sign’s energy. In this case, that means Aries’ sense of adventure and bold endeavor. I know lots of Aries (particularly of the crusty punk dude types), and even a few rare reserved Aries, and they are all different beautiful universes of individuals — but I have NEVER known of an Aries who’s shied away from an adventure or challenge. I’m not saying you have to jump out of planes or get wasted and hurl yourself at your love interest (although that could be cool.) But I’m sure there’s some way you could extend beyond your usual boundaries, whether it’s finding a new band to get into or reading something out of your usual range or starting a whole new life endeavor, or indulgin that peculiarly Aries way of charmingly and “accidentally” making out with someone you like. (Oh, Aries, you’re so obviously cute!)

SPRING CLEANING DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A DRAG
The impulse behind spring cleaning is a wise and noble one, but why confine it to your closet or your house? Now’s the chance to take inventory of all your baggage and decide once and for all to get rid of that shit holding you back. Stupid love affair? Onerous parental expectations? GET RID OF IT. If you’re really truly a cleaning sort, dump some tiny, persistent soul-destroyer with every item you toss in the garbage. Start a forest fire in your heart and blaze away what’s not working for you.

Those above pics are what you get in the top results when you Google Image search “vernal equinox.” These following, however, are my equinox babies…wild roses and forget-me-nots! And they’re not even dead yet!

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Posted in HOW TO LIVE by Kat on Sunday, March 20th, 2011 | 14 Comments »

This is More or Less the Best Non-Beatles Thing I’ve Ever Seen in My Life

The Keith Richards song “Happy” is my spirit animal for the year 2011. And while I’m here, I just wanted to say, “Hey, Peace, everybody; Namaste, if you will. We are all the same zodiac signs we always were. Have a great weekend.”

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Posted in Music by Laura Jane on Saturday, January 15th, 2011 | 1 Comment »

Kat & LJ Investigate: Is Astrology Real? (October 2010)

ABOVE: The tackiest Cancerian on the ENTIRE INTERNET

SUSAN FUCKING MILLER. To her legions of followers, she’s assumed the status of astro-guru, with her thousands of fans in a Twitter tizzy (twizzy?) the minute her monthly horoscopes are late — as they were for November 2010, and of course nearly every Astrology Zone fan had a heart attack. But, really, what exactly is it about Susan Miller that compels so many people to follow her? Is it her extremely thorough yet absolutely prosaic application of astrological wisdom to everyday life? The masterful way she manages to be absolutely general while seeming extremely specific? The way she says “dear Cancer” or “dear Leo” or “dear whatever”? The resident Cancerians at nogoodforme may have began their astrological investigation into the question “Is astrology real?” But it’s kind of become “Is Susan Miller real?” Or “Does Susan Miller know stuff that isn’t common sense when it comes to LIFE, much less astrology?” How much astrology is actually in Astrology Zone? Read on for the latest installment in our future Pulitzer Prize-winning series. We know we’re going to win one, because Susan Miller told us so!

SUSAN MILLER SAYS: Your first most important date to watch will be October 7, the date of the new moon, which will bring the Sun, moon, Saturn, and Mercury together in Libra. At that time there will be discussions and plans, and very possibly you may make a commitment or promise concerning a family or home/property issue. You may buy or sell a house, rent your first apartment, take in a roommate, or help a family member, and in that latter case, most likely a parent. Or, you may start a major renovation to your present home.

LJ: Susan Miller has not shut up about this “home and family situation” since April, which has never bore even one iota of relevance to my life. I’m so stoked that the new moon on the 7th allegedly concluded my imaginary home and property issues, because at least now I can be safe in knowing that I won’t have to skip over 70% of my Susan Miller every month. October was the worst round of astrologyzone.com I’ve experienced to date, because it was more like 90% devoted to these home/family non-issues. I honestly cannot think of one single arena of my life that I could twist this prediction into referring to. On October 7th, I went to work, went out for a dinner with a friend, and then got really wasted at a house party. I didn’t talk to either of my parents, and I don’t think my roommates and I even crossed paths.

Kat: Um, I do stay with my parents a lot more now that I’m Officially Nomadic. Maybe this counts for something? But honestly I travel every two weeks now — I DON’T REALLY HAVE A HOME. Maybe Susan Miller’s suggesting that I should live at O’Hare or LaGuardia? Or in a plane? Or just FedEx myself around and live in a giant FedEx box, just like the girl version of Alvin and the Chipmunks in the new version of the movie. I’m with LJ, I don’t know why 90% of Susan Miller Cancer horoscopes are focused on this. That and the best date to get pregnant. You notice how Susan Miller is always talking about the best dates to get pregnant? I actually think that’s really kind of skeevy. Susan, we have this thing in the modern First World, and it’s called BIRTH CONTROL. And I’m sorry, if you’re planning your conception dates based on your Susan Miller horoscope — that shit is wack and your baby will hate you.

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Posted in Kat & LJ Investigate, Uncategorized by Laura Jane on Wednesday, November 10th, 2010 | 3 Comments »

The nogoodforme Astrological Guide to Arthouse Cinema: Cinematic Cleverness and Contemplation for Geminis

Everyone, THANK YOU for all the comments, emails and Tweets on each of the installments of the Astrological Guide to Arthouse Cinema so far! I didn’t really anticipate how epic this is turning out, but thanks to the vastness of the zodiac and my eagerness to share my love about a bazillion movies under the sun, it’s turning into a content behemoth. So far I’ve gotten to explore action films for Aries and sensual/foodie/visually gorgeous films for Taurus; this time, I look at the wealth of cinematic cleverness that would keep a Gemini’s wonderfully intricate intellect occupied, as well as some seemingly uncharacteristic choices for beautifully quiet films that should suit the other side of complex Geminis.
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GEMINI: Geminis are, hands down, some of my most favorite people in the world. On their good twin days, they are so much FUN and great to be around, full of good spirits and a certain quicksilver intelligence. They’re often great with wisecracks and possess an ability to crack me up so hard I could burst open my appendix from the laughter, and they’re brainiac types, possessing restless intellects that are constantly whirring and buzzing. Your favorite Twitter is probably a Gemini; so is your favorite blogger, because these people are generally born writers. (Geminis are ruled by Mercury, which is the planet of communication.) Even if they’re quiet Geminis, they have a certain way with words and language. Whether it’s low-key, caustic or wacky, they have that quality known as wit.
Geminis often have a bon vivant side to them; they love to get out into the world and see what life has to offer. They love ideas and experience, collecting these like a squirrel hoards nuts. They know what’s up in terms of what’s happening or about to happen, and if they’re the Gemini to end all Geminis, they’re the classic cruise director type, the person who organizes all the social activities of a posse. (I once dated a dude Gemini and I think we maybe went on five proper dates during our year together because EVERYTHING was a group activity. As a cozy, snuggly Cancer, this drove me NUTS!) You know the type of people who read three different international newspapers every morning? Or those people who do the crossword faithfully every week? Or that insanely prolific writer/blogger? That’s probably a Gemini, plugged-in, clever, intellectually intrigued by nearly everything under the sun. Their flirtatiousness takes on the quality of “witty banter” or, at the very least, a high level of conversation.
Geminis are generally very cerebral people–not unemotional (we’ll get to that later), but mind-oriented in that their first response is often a mental one. Because their minds are so agile, they often rely on them to process their life experience. Because of this, it sometimes takes awhile to know Gemini as an emotional commodity (indeed, sometimes they’re often confused and perplexed by their emotional natures in general). Sometimes Geminis are almost too smart and clever, in the sense that they find it really easy to talk themselves into ideas and relationships that just scream of BAD NEWS, FUCKING RUN, GEMINI! They’re able to construct these dense, labyrinthine structures of explanation that even they have a hard time finding their way out of, so dizzy they are with theories, suppositions, and formulas–everything but cold hard facts. Sometimes giving a Gemini relationship advice is a losing game because of this reason, and you kind of have to wait till they start talking themselves out of something to really offer anything constructive because they just won’t listen to you otherwise. (You know how your words get twisted around in an argument and you’re like, “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEAN!” That’s a classic Gemini rhetorical move!)

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Posted in Film, HOW TO LIVE by Kat on Wednesday, August 4th, 2010 | 3 Comments »

The nogoodforme Astrological Guide to Arthouse Cinema: Beautiful And/Or Foodcentric Films That Will Make Tauruses Swoon

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Dudes, sorry I loafed on the regularity of my planned multi-part epic Astrological Guide to Arthouse Cinema! But my life is severely Internet-constrained these days, which is kind of ratty, but I am slowly but surely persevering. In my last installment, I wrote a billion words on arthouse films for Aries, which were mostly energetic action and thriller movies in foreign languages guaranteed to keep the interest of any wayward, energetic Ram. This time around, I go in a radically different direction for Taurus, a steadier, slower sign who would probably disdain fast-paced, blow-’em-up movies as inelegant and mind-numbingly boring. Tauruses are earth signs and love STUFF. “Stuff” at its best: food, bodies, possessions, basically things that they can taste and feel and look at. So I used this opportunity to explore some of my favorite visually rich and/or foodcentric movies of varying stripes.
TAURUS: Every Taurus I know is a quietly gorgeous person with the kind of beauty that doesn’t impose itself on other people–you’re like, “Yeah, I’m hot, but I don’t feel the need to put it out there. I’ll just sit quietly in this corner drinking Lillet and wait to be discovered by some person of quality.” They don’t have the astrological rep of being flamboyant children, demonically hot sex addicts or flame-eyed revolutionaries, but they’re down-to-earth, lovely people who have a talent for making life beautiful and love graceful. It says a lot that EVERY Taurus I know is and has been in a long-term relationship–they’re a little cautious but once they’re all got in a relationship, people rarely let them go.
Every Taurus I know also loves beautiful THINGS with gorgeous COLORS and TEXTURES and SILHOUETTES. Taurus is a materialist, but in the best sense of the world–they love materials for the opportunities they present for beauty and sensuality, and luckily their sense of style is nonpareil, so that materialism is really an expression of the grace and beauty that they are. On a bad day, though, they tend to indulge in a little too much retail therapy, although they won’t admit to it, because they are also hella stubborn when provoked. They’re generally patient souls, but when they’re finally pissed off, it’s like that slow-boiled rage that lingers–they are RESENTFUL and do not forgive so easily. I love all my Taurus peeps because they’re that sturdy, caring, lovely friend who will bring you soup in that old-school way when you’re sick in bed. I kind of want to marry a Taurus one day because they sound like they’d be great to shack up for life with. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get down and play house with a sensual, elegant Taurus? Especially when you know that house will be the coziest, loveliest home imaginable.

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Posted in Film, HOW TO LIVE by Kat on Thursday, July 29th, 2010 | 8 Comments »

An Astrological Guide to Arthouse Cinema: Movies With Subtitles That Will Actually Keep An Aries Entertained

We got so many good suggestions from our Marc Jacobs/Shopbop giveaway–a ton of readers mentioned they wanted more astrology-related stuff, and a few mentioned they wanted more film content. Well, dear lovers, luckily I can write about both! I decided to combine the two into an epic, beautiful, erratically comprehensive Astrological Guide to Arthouse Cinema. Of course, you don’t have to be a Virgo to like Lovers of the Arctic Circle or an Aquarius to appreciate any Werner Herzog movie, but it’s kind of fun to approach film appreciation through the eternal lens of the stars and planets. I initially tried to do all 12 signs at once in one mega-Guide to end all Guides, but the whole shebang got to be a little book-length, and while I’m all for Magnum Opuses (Opi?), I don’t want to kill anyone’s eyes. So I’m doing 12 installments, one for each sign, so I can recommend more than one film for each sign, because I do believe in the magic of film, of movies that take risks and are audacious and aren’t just shit Hollywood products. This week: we ease into the somewhat forbidding realm of arthouse cinema via Aries, whose energy and craziness demand the least archetypal arthouse films out there.


Aries are like the excitable, hyper kid with tons of ADD and energy. People love them for being like a bottle of soda all shook up. They’re kind of aggro, but they get shit done in a super-fun way and are supreme flirts, like the kind that plops themselves in dudes’ laps with a bottle of beer and threaten to pour it over them and they’ll fantasize about this for days because it’s just so fucking cute and sexy. Aries, you can get away with this shit ’cause you’re an Aries and you think everyone loves you! Luckily you’re usually very charming, but chill you are not. Your attention span is just not meant for the meaningful silences that fill so much of art cinema! Your unboundable energy makes you the ideal audience for frenetic action movies, a genre that’s hugely underserved in the arthouse circuit. (However, did you know that the most successful American film exports are action films? Scarily, explosions and mayhem are an internationally understood language.) But luckily other countries also love action films and make these as well, which makes them de facto arthouse because of their subtitles, a certain visual stylishness and a kind of audacity that suits Aries well.

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Posted in Film by Kat on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 | 13 Comments »

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