Everything That Is ‘All-Time Top 5’

All-Time Top Five: Ways to Celebrate David Lynch’s Birthday!

It’s David Lynch’s birthday! The director of Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive, and of course “Twin Peaks” turns 66 today! Of course, I could tell you to watch his movies and stuff — they all generally deserve multiple viewings because of their haunting beauty and sheer audacious crazy — but surely there’s a more NOGOODFORME kind of way to honor such a beautiful genius, no? Anyway: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID LYNCH! Thank you for making such transcendent movies! Here’s how I’m gonna celebrate your birthday!

DANCE DREAMILY AT YOUR FAVORITE DINER

David Lynch’s films generally have fantastic uses of music — he’s a real genius with film sound (I wrote a whole paper on it, ages ago!) Film sound often functions as a movie’s subconscious, and his films are a particularly riveting combination of ethereal darkness and oddly buoyant pop charm. (I even dug the heavy industrial vibe of Lost Highway! Nine Inch Nails!) What would “Twin Peaks” be without the spooky sounds of Julee Cruise and Angelo Badalamenti?

This is Julee Cruise singing “Rockin’ Back Inside My Heart” on the BBC in 1989! Oh my god, the back-up singers’ dresses!

HAVE A HARROWING MOMENT OR TWO

The juxtaposition of surfaces of innocence with a teaming underbelly of moral corruption and surreal nightmares is really the crux of what makes Lynch such a genius as a filmmaker. That scary moment of the thing behind the diner in Mulholland Drive, the frighteningly debasing of nightclub singer Dorothy Vallens in Blue Velvet or BOB (he still scares me!) — those are the most memorable moments of a Lynch movie, whether you like them or not. You can’t have light without dark, so do a little dance with your inner demon. Otherwise it will lurk in the back of your proverbial diner or at the food of your bed, waiting to SCARE YOU TO DEATH. BOB!!!

GET A HOLD OF THE SECRET DIARY OF LAURA PALMER

Did anyone else read this when it came out? I remember reading it, passing it around with friends, all of us going, “OH MY GOD THIS BOOK IS SO DIRTY!” It was great fun. It actually works really well as a standalone work, and pulls you into the whole “Twin Peaks” mystery so beautifully. I wish I could find my copy for it somewhere!

WEAR SADDLE SHOES AND PLAID SKIRTS, OR PINK LYCRA AND HEAVY EYEBROWS, OR A SNAKESKIN JACKET

I truly never appreciated the genius costuming of “Twin Peaks” until I worked in film as a wardrobe designer — the combination of 50s-esque schoolgirl silhouettes with Northwest fabrics, colors and textures was truly inspired. My favorite was always Audrey, who had a way with plaid tweed skirts, tight sweaters and dark lipstick:

But I actually think the best fashion film in terms of Lynch’s canon is Wild at Heart. Sailor and Lulu! Proto-True Romance, no? Pink lycra! Snakeskin jacket! Isabella Rossellini’s eyebrows! Wowza!

FOLLOW AGENT DALE COOPER’S ADVICE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

“Every day, once a day, give yourself a present.”

So said TV’s most perfect man ever. Follow his advice: it’s guaranteed to make your life happy and amazing!

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Posted in All-Time Top 5, Fashion, Film by Kat on Friday, January 20th, 2012 | 3 Comments »

All Time Top 5 Reasons to (Re)Discover Jim Jarmusch’s “Night on Earth”

I just rewatched Jim Jarmusch’s Night on Earth and it is so great! Well, okay, it’s not his best work, but it’s a nice movie to sit at home and work while you’re sitting on your sofa, banging out blog entries on your BlackBerry. (Do I do that? Yeah, I do.) I actually saw Night on Earth when it came out in 1991 and was a wee youngster, and I fully admit I went to see it because of Winona Ryder, ’cause I luffed her so in the early 90s. (I still luff her, but it’s, you know, complicated.) But since then I’ve had half a lifetime of film school, so I didn’t even appreciate the movie’s full radness until now! Things I overlooked because I did not fully appreciate sunglasses, making love with my entire self or the Spiritually Scandinavian imperative in my life:

DUDE, THAT’S HEATHER #2 AS A CRANKY BAND MANAGER!

Night on Earth is really an omnibus like Coffee and Cigarettes — a series of vignettes around the world, here connected by conversations that take place in cabs. The film starts out in L.A. with a fantastic bit with metalheads on the way to the airport in a cab (driven by Winona Ryder!) Then they get out all drunken and spandexed and get yelled at by their band manager, who’s played by Heather #2 from “Heathers”! It’s such a great thing to discover in a movie!

(Heather #2′s at about 4:50 — plus, I love the dude’s purplish tie-dyed tank. They just don’t make hair metal dudes the same way anymore.)

WINONA RYDER WEARING TOO-BIG AVIATOR SUNGLASSES

I forget sometimes that Winona Ryder was so tomboyish in the 90s, but Night on Earth fully exploits it. I never really bought her as a cabbie who wants to be a mechanic but I love that she tried. I can’t really think of an actress now who’s so interested in deglamorizing herself now, except maybe Kristen Stewart, who I kind of love. But it’s still a real pleasure to see her in the L.A. segment, acting with Gena Rowlands, who I also did not fully appreciate back when I first saw it, not having yet seen A Woman Under the Influence (WONDERFUL) or Gloria (EVEN MORE WONDERFUL).

Winona, pretendin’ she’s scuzzy:

I’D FORGOTTEN HOW AWESOME OF AN ACTRESS BEATRICE DALLE IS

Sometimes I’m astonished there’s this whole generation of people who don’t really know Beatrice Dalle’s acting work. Back in the 80s and 90s, when you needed a hot French babe to play a ferocious, sexy, intense human, you would put her in a movie. She just burns up the screen in anything she’s in, ranging from Betty Blue where she played the ultimate psychotic girlfriend to cinematic history’s hottest cannibal ever in Trouble Every Day. In Night on Earth, she plays a blind woman who fascinates a cab driver and she’s so good, you see why someone wouldn’t be able to take their eyes off her. I loved the part when she talks about making love with her entire self: it’s so French-y. Me, I only make love with one-third of myself, and send the other two-thirds to do psychic errands while I’m otherwise preoccupied.

ROSIE PEREZ GIVES THE BEST “FUCK YOU” ON FILM EVER

I miss seeing Rosie Perez in movies. If the 90s are back, can we bring Rosie Perez back, too? Her fuck-you to Giancarlo Esposito in the NYC part of movie is so perfect, it’s like an object lesson in how to deliver a superb “FUCK YOU” to someone:

1. Act all coy and cute.
2. Wait for response.
3. “FUCK YOU!”
4. Sashay away.

It’s so good. You can see it here at the 3:20 point in the video. I can’t wait to do this to someone one day.

THE HELSINKI SEGMENT TRANSCENDS THE ENTIRE MOVIE

If only for the heartbreaking, subtle, completely utterly fantastic performance from the late great Finnish actor Matti Pellonpää, who appeared in a ton of Aki Kaurismaki films. (If you ever had a soft spot for Jarmusch films, you MUST SEE AKI KAURISMAKI MOVIES — they have a similar strange humor.) I remember thinking how utterly atypical this felt from the other parts of the film but being peculiarly moved by it. It has sort of a naked, serious emotion that didn’t really bubble back into Jarmusch’s work till perhaps Broken Flowers (which I’ll always love for the Tilda Swinton bits, even if it’s not really my favorite Jarmusch film). But now that I watched Night on Earth again, the Helsinki bit is one of my favorite parts, because I can really see and appreciate Jarmusch’s generosity with his actors. Matti Pellonpää just runs with it, and his story he tells at the end is so REAL and the pain is so honest that it makes me genuinely sad he’s no longer alive to grace us with more of his acting genius. Plus: Helsinki. I really need to go!

Now I’m on a “revisit Jim Jarmusch movies” jag. Which one should I revisit next?

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Posted in All-Time Top 5, Film, Spiritually Scandinavian by Kat on Sunday, May 1st, 2011 | 11 Comments »

All Time Top Four: Embarrassing Movies to Watch With Parents

I was really amused this holiday season by the number of people who expressed dismay on my Twitter feed at the prospect of seeing Black Swan with their parents. Lesbian sex! Coerced masturbation! OMG! It brought back memories of cinematic bonding with my own parentals – as a small kid I had a habit of hiding in my bedroom whenever sex scenes popped up on whatever cheesy 80s TV movie I was watching with them. (Watching “The Thorn Birds” with my mom was a little excruciating in this respect.) Below, in honor of watching embarrassing movies with parents – four films that proved to be especially mortifying in my own and others’ experiences. I’m always curious as to what films people have seen with their parents that made them want to crawl into a dark space (that wasn’t their mother’s womb) in embarrassment.

BORAT

This was less embarrassing and more excruciating. Have YOU ever tried to explain half of Borat’s jokes to an uncomprehending middle-aged Asian man? And have him make you explain them again and again because he still doesn’t get it? Not fun, and not fun was that whole wrestling scene! GROSS! Although I was highly amused that my dad didn’t believe that the mankini that Borat famously wore in the movie was real. Amount of time it took to Google photographic evidence: five minutes. The look of horror on Dad’s face: priceless.

I’m not going to put a picture of the mankini here because I love my eyes. Instead, here is “Borat” on Letterman. I can’t really explain this shit to my dad either:

THE PIANO

I saw this with my mom in theaters because we both like sweeping, romantic period dramas. But the sight of Harvey Keitel’s man-butt made me my mom go, “What?” in the middle of the theatre. I was mortified (MOOOOMMMMM!!!!!) but not as mortified when I realized she thought Harvey was kind of cute. What kind of mother fancies Harvey Keitel’s man-butt? MOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

Would this pic make my mom happy? I don’t wanna think about it!

SPANKING THE MONKEY

Nothing like a little mother-son incest to make things uncomfortable! My best dude friend saw this little 1994 indie black comedy with his mom in the theatre. Apparently she decided to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the “big scene,” coming back when it was conveniently over. And she left again. And again. Uncomfortable.

FALLEN ANGELS

This one is in honor of my roommate when I lived in San Francisco, who went to see this with her sweet Chinese papa when it came out in theatres. Of course Wong Kar Wai’s lyrical, noir-soaked ode to urban alienation and loneliness is beautifully photographed, the actors are all universally gorgeous and the music is to die for – but a lengthy, epic masturbation scene kind of made things a little weird there. (Someone could do a whole treatise on uncomfortable masturbation in movies, I think.) Needless to say, my roommate and her dad didn’t really talk about the movie afterwards. I think they went out for barbeque instead.

Don’t worry, this is not the masturbation scene; it’s actually one of my favorite moments in the movie, outside of the pig massage stuff. (Takeshi Kaneshiro is so adorable!) It’s actually quite sweet , if crappily recorded to YouTube:

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Posted in All-Time Top 5, Film by Kat on Wednesday, January 5th, 2011 | 14 Comments »

Five Things I Learned From Bret Easton Ellis Last Night

(I saw Bret Easton Ellis speak last night at the Hammer Museum. The event was supposed to be a “conversation” between him and Jonathan Gold, but Bret Easton Ellis did about 77 percent of the talking. It was spectacular, in a boring kind of way.)

1. American Psycho was originally supposed to be directed by David Cronenberg, starring Brad Pitt. I’ve never seen American Psycho but it’s still so wacky to me, the idea of a world in which Patrick Bateman is anyone other than Christian Bale.

2. The only thing writing workshops are good for is making yourself impervious to moronic criticism – or something to that effect. Ooh/ouch/huh.

3. He said he only agreed to do the Hammer event because it was scheduled after a five-month book tour for Imperial Bedrooms and he figured he’d die at some point on the book tour and thus wouldn’t have to follow through. Not sure what I “learned” from that, but I did LOL quite a bit.

4. Women like Bret Easton Ellis’s books because we find the sex scenes “liberating.” I don’t know that that’s true.

5. Someone asked him “What’s the definitive L.A. work of art?” and he thought a while and said, “The Hills,” and then explained how The Hills is unparalleled as a narrative about the disconnect between what Los Angeles promises and what it actually delivers, and how the third and fourth seasons are the modern-day equivalent of a Jane Austen novel, and how it ranks among The Sopranos, The Wire, and Mad Men as one of the top ten greatest shows in television history. So that’s what I’m going to say from now on, whenever anyone asks me why I’ve seen every single episode of The Hills, many of them multiple times. That, and something about Charliebro. It’s a really good answer.

(FYI, that painting of Lauren Conrad’s by an artist named Karin Bubas. I also dig her Dynasty series.)

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Posted in All-Time Top 5 by Liz on Wednesday, November 17th, 2010 | 3 Comments »

My 5 Fave Moments From That Courtney Love Animated Short Film

Apparently Courtney Love commissioned this wacky animated video about the evolution of her style, and I’m kind of in love. I mean, it makes no sense, really, but I can roll with anything that has fake Karl Lagerfelds in them. It’s sort of a weird little fairy tale where evil Karl tells her she’s too kooky and she gets a magic motherfuckin’ Birkin to get rid of her inner Fashion Kook. The whole thing needs to be seen in its full glory, but I really love when:

1. She whines, “I wanna be dignified! Why can’t I be dignified like Chris Martin from Coldplay?!”
2. When Michael Stipe tells her that her motherfucking Birkin bag is really nice but “Can you rock in taupe?”
3. Sign language. Life would be so much better if everything was translated into sign language.
4. Andre Leon Talley telling her “You are a rock star, it’s just your baaaaaaag.”
5. When the Birkin grows legs and dances.

The animation’s really nice, too. It’s like if Heavy Metal went girlie. And this video gives me hope that I can get older and still be obsessed with girlie and candy and macaroons!

Posted in All-Time Top 5, Fashion, Uncategorized, Videos by Kat on Wednesday, September 29th, 2010 | 7 Comments »

My All-Time Top 3 Kinks Songs with the Word “Love” in the Title, by Laura Jane

Ray Davies looks so hot here.

I. THE WAY LOVE USED TO BE

II. THERE’S NO LIFE WITHOUT LOVE

III. AND I WILL LOVE YOU

(Sorry, “Love Me Till The Sun Shines”!)

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Posted in All-Time Top 5 by Laura Jane on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010 | 2 Comments »

All-Time Top 5: Most Underrated Madonna Songs Ever!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MADONNA!!!
madonna_meisel.jpg
In honor of a human being so iconic she needs no explanation! Last year Liz and I shared our all-time fave Madonna moments; this year, I thought I’d share the five most underrated songs in her canon ever (IMHO), ’cause you know, Madonna has some great songs and no one ever talks about her music and how happy-making so much of it is and that upsets me. The truth of the matter is that I’d choose to listen to a Madonna song over most things any day. MADONNA, WE LOVE YOU FOREVER! XOXOXO NOGOODFORME.COM
“I’ll Remember”
“I’ll Remember” is oddly of one of my favorite Madonnsky songs ever. Every time I hear those opening keyboards, I get all happy, and usually keyboards never make me happy when it comes to music. “I’ll Remember” is kind of a nice bridge between that whole cold arty-Erotica thing and the romantic Bedtime Stories vibe. Apparently Madonna and Patrick Leonard were going for an early 80s AOR feel when they were working on this–you know, like Boston or Foreigner or something like that. I love that.
“Forbidden Love”
This is Madonna doing her best Sade impression and it’s pretty hot. One of her few true makeout songs, it’s hushed and mellow and relaxed. Those are not adjectives you usually apply to Madonna, right? It makes me want to ride in white Mercedes and date a drug dealer, or something randomly Miami Vice like that.
“Causing A Commotion”
I LOVE CUTE LITTLE “WHO’S THAT GIRL” ANIMATED MADONNA! I never get tired of posting this:

“Miles Away”
It’s sometimes hard to be a Madonna fan lately, what with the Kabbalah stuff and the fashion line and the whole veins thing and the weirdness that was the Hard Candy record. Still, there are always some gems even on her most throwaway albums. This track and “Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You” were mine on Hard Candy. This song is so about Guy Ritchie, right? “You always love me more miles away/You’re not afraid to tell me miles away”? OH MADONNA :-(
“True Blue”
I think the whole True Blue record is entirely underrated. I’ve been listening to it lately and it’s SO GOOD. Please believe me! Me and Chloe Sevigny think so! I have superfond memories of saving up my allowance for this record and buying the cassette at Musicland and thinking I was a hot shit kid. This wasn’t my favorite song on the record when it first came out, but decades later and now it is. It’s just such a sweet little ditty, plus the video has a pretty fantastic color scheme and I kind of dig those back-up singers’ sweaters if they’d cover my midriff. Midriff coverage is very important to me, but it was not really to Madonna back in the day. She was a midriff-showing queen! That’s why she’s Madonna. Her belly button was a source of power, not angst!

And just for a bonus, I think this is the most existential Madonna song ever, even more than “Live To Tell”:
“Easy Ride”
You can usually count on Madonna for some fun, but fun was hard to find on American Life. But if you forget this is Madonna, this song is pretty deep. Madonna can be deep and earnest! So take that, Joni Mitchell, you Madonna hater!

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Posted in All-Time Top 5, Music by Kat on Monday, August 16th, 2010 | 5 Comments »

All-Time Top 5: “Hi, Hi, Hi”-Related Reasons Why I Never Want To Sleep With Paul McCartney

I thought my iPod was broken, but it turned out my iPod was only breaking. I thought my iPod didn’t work at all, but then I discovered that my iPod actually does work, you just have to hold it in this weird specific way, at a specific angle, to make it work. But isn’t that so much better? Than having no iPod at all? When I realized my iPod wasn’t broken, I flipped my lid with excitement. I was drunk, stoned, and drinking a Big Gulp of Diet Dr. Pepper.
“I’m going to go on the greatest Headphones Walk of all time!” I announced, to the Universe, “I am going to think up so many cool and important ideas. I am going to have some real life-altering realizations, on this Headphones Walk. I’m going to have a breakthrough, I bet. I’m going to figure it all out. All of it. Now!”
Instead, I listened to “Hi, Hi, Hi” by Paul McCartney & Wings a bunch of times, and figured out that it’s about sex. “I was in a sensuous mood in Spain when I wrote it,” says Paul. As far as all the songs I’ve ever heard about sex go, “Hi, Hi, Hi” is definitely the grossest. Let’s delve deeper…

I. WHY CAN’T WE GET HIGH, PAUL?
Anybody in the world who was normal and not problematically cutesy would have named this song, “High, High, High,” though I guess it’s possible that maybe “High, High, High” struck Paul as being “Long, Long, Long” rip off-y. Still, that’s not a good enough excuse. Comparing sex to getting high makes sense- on that, I’m sure, we can all agree. But comparing sex to saying “Hi”? That’s just babyish.

(more…)

Posted in All-Time Top 5 by Kat on Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 | 4 Comments »

All-Time Top 5: "Hi, Hi, Hi"-Related Reasons Why I Never Want To Sleep With Paul McCartney

I thought my iPod was broken, but it turned out my iPod was only breaking. I thought my iPod didn’t work at all, but then I discovered that my iPod actually does work, you just have to hold it in this weird specific way, at a specific angle, to make it work. But isn’t that so much better? Than having no iPod at all? When I realized my iPod wasn’t broken, I flipped my lid with excitement. I was drunk, stoned, and drinking a Big Gulp of Diet Dr. Pepper.
“I’m going to go on the greatest Headphones Walk of all time!” I announced, to the Universe, “I am going to think up so many cool and important ideas. I am going to have some real life-altering realizations, on this Headphones Walk. I’m going to have a breakthrough, I bet. I’m going to figure it all out. All of it. Now!”
Instead, I listened to “Hi, Hi, Hi” by Paul McCartney & Wings a bunch of times, and figured out that it’s about sex. “I was in a sensuous mood in Spain when I wrote it,” says Paul. As far as all the songs I’ve ever heard about sex go, “Hi, Hi, Hi” is definitely the grossest. Let’s delve deeper…

I. WHY CAN’T WE GET HIGH, PAUL?
Anybody in the world who was normal and not problematically cutesy would have named this song, “High, High, High,” though I guess it’s possible that maybe “High, High, High” struck Paul as being “Long, Long, Long” rip off-y. Still, that’s not a good enough excuse. Comparing sex to getting high makes sense- on that, I’m sure, we can all agree. But comparing sex to saying “Hi”? That’s just babyish.

(more…)

Posted in All-Time Top 5 by Laura Jane on Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 | 4 Comments »

All-Time Top 5: Things To Do While Doing Your @#$@# Taxes

Taxes suck. I just finished mine and I hate myself and the U.S. government. Still, the nogoodforme way is to live it up, even when doing something so mundanely horrible as filling out a 1040. That way, having the dilemma of “HOW THE HELL DO I OWE ON MY FEDERAL BUT NOT ON MY STATE?!!!” hurts just a tiny bit less and seems just a bit more manageable. Just a bit, of course, but as anyone who ever itemizes expenses for their taxes knows, just a bit can make a big, big difference when getting your ass bit by The Man. Below, my five ways I dealt with paying up The Man this year. Because nogoodforme isn’t just a blog, it’s a WAY OF LIFE.
1. WATCH EVERY CHEESY TEEN MOVIE YOU OWN. IN GERMAN.
Watching young people with overprivileged lives whose biggest problem is coming up with an original cheerleading routine puts everything in perspective. Not really, but Sparky Polastri is the best part of Bring It On, no? Especially when you watch Bring It On in German, although I wish there was a German word for “spirit fingers.”

2. DRINK
Not to the point of inebriation, but just enough to give yourself the giggles when contemplating how you can write off the cost of a bikini wax as “research” because you wrote about it in a freelance article you did. Imagine explaining that to the IRS dude!
This is the 3rd image result you get when you Google “miserable drinking.”

3. PLAY THE “HMMMM WHAT IS THE WORST APPETIZER AT OLLIE’S EVER?” CHALLENGE
Takeout is very important as you prepare your taxes, especially when you get into a complicated tax preparation like mine (tuition deduction, business expenses, investment income, blah blah blah.) It takes FOREVER to do your taxes, so you have to treat it like NASCAR racing or something and have plenty of fuel on hand to keep you going because it’s going to be a long haul. This year I got the worst Chinese takeout menu you can imagine and ordered all the appetizers in an attempt to “multi-task” and figure out which was the suckiest appetizer at my local joint. Verdict: steamed bun. Favorite: scallion pancake. Yum. I ordered three in two different deliveries. (It was a long day yesterday.)
SCALLION PANCAKE LOVE:

4. USE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR SELF-ENLIGHTENMENT
I itemize all my business expenses, which is a fancy way of saying “I keep all of my receipts over the year in a UNIQLO shopping bag and dig them out once a year to see what I can deduct in hopes of lowering my tax bill legitimately.” This makes me feel like the bag lady of sole proprietors, but it’s kind of interesting to realize exactly where all my money goes, which is the only fascinating part of itemization. WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT 2009: the biggest recipient of my wealth was Westside Market and Columbia University. Also, I shopped at the Target in the Bronx a lot more than I thought, mostly for cleaning products, pantry items and underwear. What this says about me: I leave that up to you.

5. SUCK IT UP
At some point, you are just going to stare at your screen in a miserable fog of numbers, forms and irritation. You will feel you have reached the end of your rope. You will feel like a humorless dreg of society, bled dry by the U.S. Treasury, and you will rethink your whole crush on Timothy Geithner, who somehow you have made responsible for your financial woes. This is the point where you will need a light at the end of the tunnel. And then you realize: the light will only get closer if you just suck it up, focus and hustle the fuck up. Wade through all those takeout containers! Fight your way through those flurries of orphaned receipts! Shut off those newly German teenyboppers on your tv screen! Buckle down, get it done and then buy yourself a real treat afterwards. Now THAT is the American way!
WHAT I GOT MYSELF WHEN I GOT DONE WITH FILING MY TAXES:

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Posted in All-Time Top 5 by Laura Jane on Wednesday, April 14th, 2010 | 6 Comments »

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