1. MARION COTILLARD- Honestly? Porn star boobs have never looked classier.
2. CHANEL IMAN- Get ready for the insight of the century: Chanel Iman’s spirit animal is Nala from The Lion King, as a cub. She’s such a saucy little cutesy-poots. I want to carry Chanel Iman around in my hot pink Betseyville tote, as if she were a chihuahua.
3. LAUREN HUTTON- I definitely like this boring stripey American thing, but I’m mostly in it for the knee brace. I’ve been sporting a Tensor bandage around my ankle all week, and can safely say that I’ve never looked better.
4. JANUARY JONES- I have no idea who this person is, but she looks slutty and awesome. This year, sluttiness rocked the Met Gala hard. This person named January Jones looks like what a stripper would look like in a Universe governed by the soul of Cary Grant.
5. ASHLEY OLSEN- Ashley Olsen is by far my favourite Olsen. Mary-Kate is a try-hard. Ashley Olsen’s personal style is very intriguing to me- she always looks SO BORING that it crosses over to the other side, and ends up looking so crazy-weird that it’s almost unsettling. You know?
6. STELLA MCCARTNEY- You’re lookin’ pretty fly for a white guy, Stella! What an unexpected choice this slutty black lace bodysuit is! I think the entire McCartney clan is in possession of a gene or DNA strand that makes everything they do seem wholesome. Which is cool, because that means, if you’re a McCartney, you can wear a black lace bodysuit without looking like a slut. But at the same time, I really hope Paul McCartney never decides to wear a black lace bodysuit. That would ruin my life.
7. ANJA RUBIK- Agyness Deyn wishes. But at the same time, if Agyness Deyn wore this dress, she would make it look lame and phony-phone-phone faux rock-and-roll loser chic. Anja Rubik looks like a hot, sexy model, though I think she would benefit from gaining ten pounds at this point. She looks a little “dying,” even for a model.
8. LEIGHTON MEESTER- I am lying about this one. Like everyone else in the world, I am of the opinion that Leighton Meester looked appallingly bad at the Met Gala. But at least she took a risk, and I just decided in my head that Leighton Meester reads nogoodforme.com, and I want her to know that Laura Jane is supportive of her. I also just like to say the words “Leighton Meester” any chance I get.
1. HELENA CHRISTENSEN- Uh! Huh? I don’t even know what to say about this. Why does Helena “The Most Beautiful Earth Goddessy Woman Of All History” look like Kira Plastinina on crystal meth? It’s scary. By the way, have you ever seen Helena Christensen’s son? He’s the most beautiful child I’ve ever seen. I never thought I’d have a crush on a five year old, but you’ve proved me wrong, Mingus Reedus.
2. KERRY WASHINGTON- This whole business mostly just bums me out. I hate when stylists dress up non-fashion-y actresses in clothes they can’t handle. It makes them look like poodles.
3. ELIZABETH HURLEY- This dress obviously fulfills some sort of Female Normie childhood fantasy of growing up to be a princess or whatevs. Elizabeth Hurley should have slutted it up more, a la Cotillard and the mysterious January Jones. This dress looks like what Heidi Montag would wear to the Met Gala. Speaking of Heidi Montag, I wonder if I’ll ever write another nogoodforme post in my life that doesn’t mention Heidi Montag.
4. MOLLY SIMS- I don’t feel sorry for you at all, Molly Sims. You made your bed, now lie in it. Congratulations, stupid Cover Girl model. You took a risk and, like Leighton Meester, you failed. However, you failed way less dramatically than Leighton Meester, and who in this world wants to have anything to do with a boring failure?
5. RACHEL WEISZ- The only reason why Rachel Weisz is wearing that dress is because she thinks that shock of yellow at the bottom is cool. Rachel Weisz is one of those actresses that every dude I’ll ever date will always think is prettier than I am. Oh well. At least I’m not wearing navy brown lipstick.
6. WINONA RYDER- It’s really sad what has happened to Winona Ryder. She is like the Grey Gardens of celebrities. She looks like she is going to her Bat Mitzvah. She looks like she is going through her awkward phase. This is deserved, because she never went through an awkward phase in adolescence like the rest of us. Winona Ryder has gotten her just desserts. Life is fair after all.
7. BLAKE LIVELY- Why is Serena van der Woodsen forty? And not a young forty, either. This is really disappointing. It looks like J.Lo circa a million years ago. In other news, I just realized that Blake Lively has the same name as my cat. That’s weird.
8. AGYNESS DEYN- In my books, Agyness Deyn can do no right, but even bearing that in mind, this is just so ugs I can barely believe my eyes. Why am I supposed to buy that this person is a style icon? She makes Joan Rivers look like Gisele Bundchen. Agyness Deyn is not going anywhere, is she? I’m stuck with her forever, aren’t I? That sucks. One time, I saw her on the street with her Strokes ex-boyfriend. I was drunk, and yelled “HEY GUYS!!!” I hope she knew I was making fun of her.
i LOLed through this whole entry. LOLfactor = A++++++++! i agree on poor winona. i still love her, but she’s going through her awkward years now. no one should get to date johnny depp when they’re 17. all your life can do from then on is go DOWN. xo k.
January Jones is an actress on the series Mad Men, which is a pretty awesome show.
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